It all started when our adventure-loving...adventurer, Bill Brasky, woke up in a fanstic pumpkin patch. It was the sixth time it had happened. Feeling alarmingly worried, Bill Brasky deflowered a dangerous oil-soaked rag, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, he realized that his beloved iPad was missing! Immediately he called his former lay, Lisa Lowlife. Bill Brasky had known Lisa Lowlife for (plus or minus) half a million years, the majority of which were enticing ones. Lisa Lowlife was unique. She was intelligent though sometimes a little... clueless. Bill Brasky called her anyway, for the situation was urgent. Lisa Lowlife picked up to a very unhappy Bill Brasky. Lisa Lowlife calmly assured him that most legless puppies panic before mating, yet man-eating capybaras usually surreptitiously sigh *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Bill Brasky. Why was Lisa Lowlife trying to distract Bill Brasky? Because she had snuck out from Bill Brasky's with the iPad only ten days prior. It was a sassy little iPad... how could she resist? It didn't take long before Bill Brasky got back to the subject at hand: his iPad. Lisa Lowlife panicked. Relunctantly, Lisa Lowlife invited him over, assuring him they'd find the iPad. Bill Brasky grabbed his whale and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Lisa Lowlife realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the iPad and she had to do it aggressively. She figured that if Bill Brasky took the spaceship, she had take at least four minutes before Bill Brasky would get there. But if he took the Segway? Then Lisa Lowlife would be scarcely screwed. Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Lisa Lowlife was interrupted by seven clueless ravens that were lured by her iPad. Lisa Lowlife yawned; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling puzzled, she skillfully reached for her wolverine and aggressively poked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the haunted thicket, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Segway rolling up. It was Bill Brasky.